Dealing with lecherous creeps

Hillary has written here before about her beautiful niece, Tafv Sampson, daughter of our mutual, dear friend, the journalist Nancy Rommelmann. Having walked down the street with these two and seen how oblivious they are to the heads - both men's and women's - turning to watch their every move, I wondered how Tafv would get on as she matured. (The picture at right, of Nancy and Tafv when they visited me in London, is more than two years old. You can imagine how much more beautiful Tafv is now, at 17.)

Well, Tafv's been having some trouble with unwanted attention.

"I hate men!" she said, through tears. She was on the bus, but while she'd been waiting, a car full of three black dudes had stopped, in the bus-stop, and for ten minutes tried to lure her into the car. She walked away--and another car pulled up; more men, more catcalls. Finally, the bus rolled up, and Tafv ran to it.

"You can't have your friends parking in the bus stop like that," the driver said to her.

"I hate them all!" she continued. "And there's nothing I can do!"

Well, Tafv (and Nancy) are doing something: Avoiding certain bus lines and taking self-defense classes. But what else can be done to get away from and fight back against these creeps? I'm sure plenty of our hot readers have had to deal with situations like this. And how do you deal with harassers who've probably spent more time in diapers than in pubescence?

I was carrying some boxes out of Ristretto at closing, which is four, which is the same time the middle school across the street lets out. Waiting at the bus were about eight boys, all black, all about 13. They were nicely dressed and were not misbehaving or being overly loud. As I passed one, who was about my height, he looked directly into my eyes, and in a playfully seductive voice said, "Why didn't you call me last night?" I gave the kid a you gotta be kidding me look, and then his friend said something to back him up, I dumped the cardboard, and when I walked past again, the boys had dispersed.

"You have to admit, it's a pretty good line," Cathy said. Yeah, it is, but I wish I'd been fast enough to give it right back to him. What would you have said?

So...what would you have said?

Comments

[Genevieve]

"It was past your bedtime."

[Liz]

I would probably have said "Because I was too busy f*cking your mother," but then, I'm obnoxious like that.

[Luella]

I would have laughed. And I wouldn't get offended. They are just kids being kids. I don't understand why black has anything to do with it. They could have been white, or hispanic, or asian, or mixed, same difference.

[Luella]

I would have laughed. And I wouldn't get offended. They are just kids being kids. I don't understand why black has anything to do with it. They could have been white, or hispanic, or asian, or mixed, same difference.

[Tiffany]

The best thing to do is just ignore them. I am black and have been harassed by both black AND white and oh, and hispanic men. I am always the type of girl to speak when spoken to. You say hello to me I will say hello to you (if you are polite.)

Unfortunately, a lot of guys think hello means you want to have sex on the sidewalk.

So now, I avoid eye contact. I act like I do not hear them.
It is not smart to tell someone to "fuck off" that can just piss someone off and you do not know want to piss off a creep. Especially one that lives in you area.

To younger kids I usually just laugh it off but I suppose I should take a more stern attitude but frankly, I'm scared most of the time I think.

[Jackie Danicki]

I don't understand why black has anything to do with it. They could have been white, or hispanic, or asian, or mixed, same difference.

This is only true if you have been conditioned - for whatever reason - to fear white, or Hispanic, or Asian - men as much as you have been conditioned to fear black men. I don't know where you live, but in the US, you're probably going to be more afraid of a car full of black guys than of a car full of (similarly dressed, similarly behaving) white dudes.

That said, Nancy's daughter is fully half Creek (Native American), so maybe she has some fear of white guys. I don't know and can't speak for her.

[nancy]

No, no fear of white guys, and no particular fear of black guys. But three men in a car, and then two more men in another car, all of whom happened to be black = fear.

The opinion that all men of all races in all situations all act the same way in regard to women... I don't even know where to begin with this one. We have no problem understanding that the Japanese perform tea ceremonies more than the Swedes, and that Jews hold shabbat but Apaches don't. But ascribe any behavior to a race or culture that could be construed as negative, and we backpedal, lest we be called rascist. I have had people say to me, "Female genital mutilation? Well, it's a cultural perogative." Right. And God tells Warren Jeffs to give 12-year-old girls to old men.

Violence is violence, no matter the color of the hand. And income/enviromnent tends to level the playing field; when I read Luella's comment, the first thing I thought was, "Yes, if you're on the Wesleyan campus," where I went to college, and where race had been neutralized to a safe beige.

I have lived all my life amongst different races: whites (mostly upper-middle class Jews and WASPs) for twenty years, a decade amongst Native Americans; five years in a Puerto Rican neighborhood, and now in a black neighborhood. I have been hit on by men everywhere, and I will tell you, the methods are not identical. Not all men of all races act the same, but there are patterns, it's in the air, it's in the houses, the boys learn from the dads, the girls learn to talk or not talk back. There are ugly things about the come-ons. There are funny things, too. And frankly, it's not the black dude I am most scared of (in my experience, the white guys tend to be the most psychotic), but he is the one that's the most persistent. That's what a 16-year-old sees: these black men that are bidden every time she passes to say things to her: flirty things, sexual things. This is what the 13-year-old boy did to me, because, well, that's what you do when a woman passes; you say something.

I am not at all of the opinion that saying flirty things to a girl is necessarily bad; it's one way (and usually a fun way) the sexes interact. But you need to have the radar that tells you what's okay, what's not. Tafv, who grew up being driven around in a car, doesn't have it yet. But she is learning. Note, also, that she did not call me and say, "I hate all black men," but only men.

[Henna]

Ignore them. I have to agree with Tiffany on this one. I, myself, have learned to put up a barrier when I'm outside and walking around so that unless you say my name, I won't hear you. I think that sooner or later, Tafv will learn to do the same because it's the only thing that works.

[Kristen]

I am well-endowed in the chesticular area, and get hassled, often. My personal defense--IF I feel safe doing so--is to call them on it, often by being obnoxious. "Show me your tits!" gets a screamed, "SHOW ME YOUR DICK!" (I've never had anyone actually do it, but if they did, I'd ask how they shrunk it like that.) A guy staring on the subway gets a "WHY ARE YOU STARING AT MY CHEST?" I confront them, loudly. Most hasslers aren't used to having it tossed back at them, and they get embarrassed. Again, I ONLY do it if I feel safe. If not, I just walk away. If it were a GROUP of guys, adult guys, I wouldn't do anything. A snappy comeback isn't worth getting in over my head.

[Luella]

Wow, touchy subject. I agree that, depending on where you live, and how our society is perhaps we are conditioned to fear black men more than, say, white men. However, if was in that poor girls situation, and I have been in similar ones, I would be horrified even if it WAS white men.

And I agree with Nancy that men of different races do not approach women in the same way, but still if men of ANY race want a young girl, or an old woman for that matter, to get in a car with them, it is NOT okay.

Also, I think that the neighborhoods these men come from matter as much, if not more then what race they belong too.

[Vivian]

Developing a "street sheild" is the best defense. Don't look them in the eye, be deaf to comments, walk away, keep your eyes open for safe places, ie - shops to run into. I have struggled with this since I got my boobs at 12.

[Ayomide]

When I first read this post, as well as the one on Nancy's blog, the first thing that went throught my mind was the thought "I certainly hope she wasn't suggesting that the guys were being rude because they are black". I'm black myself and I too have lived in a variety of neigboorhoods in my life with a lot of different enthnic groups being the majority. Right now, I live in a medium sized town in Canada where I am one of the only black students in my entire school the rest being Canadian Aboriginals, White, Chinese and brown. Because my town is so relatively small (althought statistically, it's the largest growing town in Canada) it's a very safe and a close knit area. Walking down the street, you smile at everyone you pass by, and say good morning to the joggers and dog walkers on your way to school. YOu don't expect anyone to do r say anything, and because that is the social contract, that's the way things are. In my time here, only two guys have ever screamed "you're hot" out of a window at me, and even then, they were both in the same car. My advice to Tavf (love the name by the way) is to just not expact those kinds of things from people, and suddenly, you'll stop noticing them. If you don't think you're going to see it, (or hear it) you probably won't because your consiousness won't be on the topic. They're really immature to be acting that way, and you're a lot better than them, so don't even worry about it. Just keep up with your self defence in case (Gor forbid) worse comes to worst. And great modeling photos by the way.